what do I want?

25th Sep 2006 (Mon)

-I read a book,‘Our happy time’ written by Jiyoung Kong who is Korean writer. Story of this book is about a young woman professor who tried to kill herself many times because of forbidden memory she was raped when she was young and a criminal under sentence of death who was falsely charged with murder. The message of this book is “forgiveness”. After reading this book, suddenly, I thought that I could need to forgive my school and my memory. However, I do not know whether I can forgive it someday or not.

“Hyun (my main character’s name) wants to revenge herself on school system.
However, what do I want? Do I want to revenge on school? Or now do I want to forgive it, which threatened me? Is it the right time to forgive it? Do I have to forgive it? Am I ready to forgive? Is it possible to forgive them before I’ve finished to say about it? Is What I am doing really matter of forgiveness? What is the first one I have to do?”
I am confused.
I think this is not the matter of forgiveness at the moment.
All of my ideas are based on my personal experience. It is too big to express all of my personal feelings for me, however, can I handle the objective research about it? What is the first one that I have to do? Telling all of my story before saying objective truth?